I was going to try to recap my year, but I kind of rolled my eyes at myself and thought, "Aw'gwad...who really wants to hear all of the snivelly, little details."
Damn you, Inner Critic.
Lately, the idea if people ever really change has been on my mind.
Actually, it brings me to tears sometimes.
For as much as I think I have grown, or evolved, or "changed," I still feel like a scared, dorky girl.
So, my morning prayer went like this:
...God...I still feel like a scared, dorky girl...just keep giving me the eyes to See this amazing world...
Photo - Taken Christmas Day as I lay on the grass under the warm sun in front of my sister's house. 'Twas a heavenly moment.
I can relate to this. I used to have a lot of fear. It's ok to pray for deliverance from anything that has you bound, and believe me fear can really hold us back. I'm much better now, not fearless by any means, but not paralyzed either. Also, remember that the little voice inside us, really isn't always very smart. Take care and enjoy what's left of the "old year".
ReplyDeleteI think about the same thing. There are times when I seriously question my "progress," but then something will happen and I'll see that I'm responding to it in a way I wouldn't have in the past. It's not that there's no change, it's that it takes SO much work and SO friggin long and the steps can be so small that if you're not paying attention, you can miss that you've taken them.
ReplyDeleteI think we all feel scared and dorky at one time or another. To paraphrase and interpret what Yoda told Luke Skywalker - it's when we're dead to the fear that we're really in trouble. Being awake means being awake to the fear, which is part of the human condition.
Personally, I find dorkiness endearing.
Love your morning prayer...I will use it because I often feel the same way.
ReplyDeletemuch love and happy new year...
Inside every fearless goddess/hero there's a dorky little girl; inside every dorky little girl there is a fearless goddess/hero.
ReplyDeleteWe can't CHANGE because we are not a thing; we are a interacting process, a verb, a part of the web of life.
I seek to respond skillfully to life from the the place I decide to stand along the fearless/dork spectrum.
Please notice, too: it takes great COURAGE to SEE this amazing (and sometimes sad and scary) world.
Your prayer is wonderful and wise.
Dan - the "fearless/dork spectrum": Didn't Plato first coin that phrase?
ReplyDeleteYes, but he was just quoting Socrates.
ReplyDeleteBa dum bum.
ReplyDeleteThank you ALL for the comments!! I love that as I read back through them, I bounce between getting choked up and chuckling! I am grateful! My heart is full!!
ReplyDeleteI have always wondered if people do ever really change as well. I have always maintained (maybe because I was "told:) that people never really change. I think that I feel the same way as you do and that I wonder if they do for the same reasons as you do....because I feel as if I am still that same little girl that I was years ago--I don't know if I have ever really changed! I am not sure if that's good or bad ;-) In some ways it is comforting that life has not hardened me or changed my essential being and I guess the difference is that I have comfort in knowing that scared, dorky little girl inside of me is alive and well!
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