It is Thursday afternoon.
I just stood up from sitting on the carpet in front of the open patio slider.
The air is soft and floats by but not in...it's been a warm day.
My shirt is too hot and my pants are too tight around the waist.
And now at my feet is a mess of construction paper, scissors and a glue stick.
Repeatedly I glance back to make sure the lid is on the glue.
What am I doing?
I am watching myself dance between choices.
I did something VERY doofus today and I knew I had the choice to spend the evening punishing myself, or letting it go.
I decided both!
"Yes God, look at me eating my emotions," I think to myself as I pour chocolate chips into the peanut butter jar and grab a spoon. Suddenly, it isn't nearly as fun, or tasty.
Just moments before that, I stretched out on my bed. "I will breathe. I will be kind to myself. I will rest." Then the neighbors yippy dog started barking.
In the end, I threw myself on the floor for some basic play - paper, glue and scissors.
I danced in a new pattern.
I floundered in an old one.
Self-defeating behavior: check.
Sacred Breathing: check.
Make another mess: check.
Fume, pray and let got in a dizzying cyclical pattern: check.
My work here is done.
Love.
Let it go.
Lighten up.
Construction Paper Assemblage - 8.5 x 11 inches.
The other things that helped cheer me?
Dan Gurney's song.
Todd Baio's song.
In spite of your regret... chocolate chips in the peanut butter do sound tempting. We all face those choices, thats why I like the busy time on the farm. In spite of myself I go of and keep my hands busy and usually feel as though I have conquered some demons... only to have them return when I am idle. Nasty little fellows!
ReplyDeleteI laughed out loud at the chocolate chips in peanut butter. I've never been a big fan of the choc/pb combination, but it called to mind my best friend in 7th grade, Judith, and how we would go to her house after school and drink ginger ale and eat peanut butter straight off of spoons.
ReplyDeleteConstruction paper is so much fun! It always makes me think of making valentines in elementary school. Yours kind of looks like a valentine.
My pants are too tight around the waist too.
I can relate. We had to stop buying peanut butter (we loved the kind with honey and molasses in it)because we were using it on everything from fruit to cookies to just the spoon. I have a Mr. Goodbar calling my name right now. I really can relate. Breathe, relax, love, live.
ReplyDeletechocolate chips in peanut butter is so good but i know what it is like to eat not because something is just yummy and delish but because you are stuffing something down...
ReplyDeletesending you much love, glad to hear you were breathing as well...
love yourself.
I'm no stranger to chocolate chips and peanut butter. Dare I tell you? I've been known to add a dollop of honey and nuke the mixture in the microwave for 20 seconds. This is not a good idea. And it's infectious. My wife's caught the bug. Maybe I shouldn't post this comment.....
ReplyDeleteNo worry, Dan. Oh, how I know of that! What saves me is the fact I no longer have a microwave.
ReplyDeletejenny the dance - choice - and then regret or joy. there's choice inside the tiny moments of the one big moment. they lead us to next choice and onwards ad infinitum. peanut butter and chocolate chips is a sweet choice! adding honey. well dan that's one very clever insight - thanks my friend!!! i'm in. steven
ReplyDelete