One More Time Around

I had told myself I wouldn't keep telling my stories.

No one really wants to hear them anyway.

Yet, here I am again.

I had told myself I wouldn't keep telling my stories.

I should live the lessons! Feel the love!

But I still have a story.

And it still makes me cry.

Two months ago yesterday, Gary died. Bone cancer.

I was there. My hand on his leg - just above his ankle.

Repeatedly, I tell people I am sad...but it is a clean sad. Then I wonder. Was it ever messy?

Gary loved me. I knew that. But he loved me much more than I ever knew.

This is also something I keep repeating.

I didn't know he loved me that much. He loved me as a daughter.

I was honored to lay next to him on his bed as he slept.

I was honored to spoon ice chips into his tired, parched mouth.

I loved smiling at him even though he could barely open his eyes.

I loved how strong I felt when I was around him. I wasn't me. I was so much bigger.

I marveled at the way we all loved one another as visitors came and went, coming to love and say good-bye. I was honored to hold the phone to his ear when someone else called to share love and say good-bye.

I chuckle at how many times I said good-bye. Who am I to predict death? Ha! Until the last good-bye was whispered... and I knew it was the one. Ten minutes later...

I didn't know Gary loved me that much.

Nor did I realize he, of all people, would show me how to truly open to love...to receive it, not just give it. This is the lesson I am far from mastering, but slowly learning. It didn't just plant a seed. It is seared into my soul.

Waves of grief come at the oddest of times. A couple of days ago, I started bawling while drying my hair. Laughter quickly followed as I watched my face contort in the tears. Then, I noticed a vein start to bulge. It runs from my right eye brow to the bridge of my nose. More laughter as I hear my ego tell me to stop all of the emoting because bulging veins on a woman's face are unattractive!

The sadness keeps washing over me and I just return to crying.

Thank you, Gary.

I love you.

Okay, that's the last time...

Photo - Gary with his moutain lion, Tia.

This was taken long before I met Gary, but I love the love in this photo.